|photo from www.morguefile.com|
I'd say, "Don't let go."
She'd say, "I won't. Relax. Tip your chin up."
"Don't let go."
"I won't. Tuck in your tummy."
"Don't let go."
"I promise. I won't let go."
Then, when I had my posture just right, my chin up, tummy tucked and was sufficiently relaxed for the water to buoy me up, she let go.
Immediately all my muscles tensed and I sunk.
From then on, I don't care how many times they told me they wouldn't let go, I don't care how many promises they made, I couldn't relax. I couldn't trust them. Even if it was a different girl, or my mother, or my husband. My abdominal muscles alway had that slightly tensed feeling. I was ready. On guard. I still can't float.
The other day I asked God to give me a word, a theme, for this year. A lot of people do that, and I like the idea. I've done it before, although, I have to admit that I usually forget what the word is by December.
This time I heard "Trust." But don't I already know how to trust? Then I heard it again and my stomach muscles did that thing. They tightened up. "But why, Lord? Why would I need to trust? What do you have planned, exactly?" Then I realized that I live my life with those tightened abs. Well, not tight in the way I'd like them to be, but tensed, ready.
I live life in an attitude of not trusting.
I thought I was trusting. Especially I thought I was trusting God.
I do believe. I have faith. I think I have strong faith, but what I've realized is that faith and trust are not the same. Trust is faith lived out.
So, I'm hoping this year I'll learn how to let those muscles relax. I'm hoping I'll put my faith into action and let go.
I'm even thinking it might be time for me to take swimming lessons again.