Loopdeloops in La La Land

Christmas Questions

2011-12-23T12:15:00.002-07:00

I swiped this from Mocha with Linda. I thought it would be fun for today.

1. Are you cooking Christmas dinner? How many will be round your table this year? What are we having?

I am cooking. I have been in charge of Christmas for about eleven years now, I think. I volunteer, though. I love hosting for my family.
This year there will be probably eight, possibly ten. My parents and my mom's sister and brother-in-law come each year. We may have an additional aunt and uncle from my dad's side.

I don't make the same thing every year. Sometimes turkey or a roast. One year we had sandwiches and everyone loved it! This year I'm doing ham with au gratin potatoes and a big colorful salad. Mom's bringing rolls and my aunt is bringing pies.

2. What is one must-have Christmas cookie in your house?

Nothing really. I gave up feeling the need to bake. I haven't even bought any this year. I've been bringing home truffles instead.

3. Santa likes a glass of milk with his cookies. Do you? What kind of milk is on tap at your house-skim? almond? soy? full fat (Gasp!)

I've only recently begun to like milk. I still don't drink it often because I don't think about it unless I'm eating a cookie or a PBJ. We use 2% lactose-free milk. I also try to make sure it's a brand that doesn't use hormones in their cows.
We also get a carton or two of eggnog. That's kinda milk, right?

4. Time magazine recently named their 'Person of the Year' for 2011. This is the person the editors believe had the greatest impact, for better or worse, in the past year. This year they chose 'The Protester'. Your thoughts? Who would you name Person of the Year for 2011?

Protesters have definitely dominated the news this year. From Egypt, Libya, England to the US. They certainly did have a great impact on our world this year -- for better or worse. If that's the criteria, then I guess I would agree.

But for sheer heroism I would say the Fukushima Workers who stayed and tried to prevent greater disaster in Japan.

5. December 21st is National Flashlight Day... when was the last time you needed a flashlight and did you know right where to find one?

I suppose it was during the summer when our power went out. I have a lot of candles though and managed to get some lit. All of our flashlights are in need of batteries.

6. Candy canes...yum or yuck?

I like a candy cane at Christmas. I only want one. I'm not crazy about peppermint, but I like eating the candy cane. I'll eat more if they are a different flavor, but I like the tradition of having a peppermint one. Someone gave me some of those little bitty ones. I'll have one of those.

7. What Christmas carol lyric means the most to you?

This always varies, but this year I really love:

Joy to the world, the Lord has come!
Let earth receive her King!

8. Insert your own random thought here.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas. Whatever your heart holds this year, remember who holds your heart. Because Christ came we don't walk alone.

The Cost

2011-12-22T12:11:00.000-07:00

Mary was a good girl. I imagine she came from a religious home. They followed the law of God.

Joseph was a good boy. A follower of God's law, well respected.

God messed all that up.

God came in and completely ruined Mary's reputation. She was an unmarried pregnant girl. Absolute disgrace.

He ruined Joseph's testimony. Joseph's girl was pregnant and by choosing not to stone her he as much as admitted that the child was his. Appalling.

You know that the whole, "God did it" story didn't go over very well. I mean, really. Come on, now, God? God made you pregnant? Uh huh, and Caesar Augustus is giving my tax money back for a Hanukkah gift.

I read something the other day that made me think, hey, if Joseph and Mary were of the line of David why didn't they stay with relatives in Bethlehem?

Why indeed. They were a scandal.

Because they weren't just law followers, they were God followers.

God doesn't really care if we look good. He doesn't care as much about our reputation as we do. He wants us to follow him. That's it.

The Christmas story is a sweet little tale when we retell it 2000 years later. It's easy for us to think they reacted differently than we would. That all was merry and bright. But they were human. They lived in a difficult, judgmental world.
Back then, the story was full of tears. Full of pain.

It cost a lot for Christ to come to us. The incarnation was a sacrifice from beginning to end.

But even then, even in the midst of rejection, confusion, and a damaged testimony Mary said:

“Oh, how my soul praises the Lord.

How my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!

For he took notice of his lowly servant girl,

and from now on all generations will call me blessed.

For the Mighty One is holy,

and he has done great things for me."

What about us? What about when it starts looking like it might cost something to follow God? Are we willing to trade the good for the best? Am I?

Thank God Mary was.

What do you Expect?

2011-12-20T10:58:00.002-07:00

Jolly
Merry and bright
Silent
Holy
Perfect cutout cookies
Goodwill toward men
Well thought-out gifts
Peace
Family harmony
Gratitude
Beautifully decorated packages
Generosity
Merry
Well-appreciated feast
Calm
Joyful and triumphant
Snow
Laughing, appreciative children
Bustle

The best time of the year

This is what we expect from Christmas. Is it any wonder we are usually disappointed? Is it any wonder that we can't seem to capture that elusive Christmas Spirit? Whatever that is?

People tend to depression and stress during the holidays. We don't feel whatever it is we're supposed to feel but we assume everyone else does. So we get depressed.

Perhaps we should look at Christmas as a gift. We don't know what the day or the season holds. Maybe it will delight us. Maybe it will be socks. But, to use my favorite phrase, it is what it is.

Instead of wanting Christmas to conform to our expectations, perhaps we need to drop the expectations and accept whatever the season brings.

I've found that as I've tried to do this, I feel more of the Christmas Spirit than I had for a long time. It's not a thing that can be grasped. It almost seems to come to those who aren't looking for it.

The Better Thing

2011-12-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

Most of us have heard the story of Mary and Martha. If you haven't you can read it here: Luke 10:38-42.

The story is about Martha getting upset with Mary because Mary is listening to Jesus instead of helping Martha in the kitchen. Jesus tells Martha that Mary has chosen the better thing.

Many people who have the gift of serving are hurt by this story. We need servers. It's a true blessing to be a server.

I don't think Jesus was saying that there is anything wrong with fixing a meal for your guests. The Bible tells us to be hospitable and food is a big part of that. I don't think he was saying that listening is better than serving. We need both.

Here's the thing, it says that Martha was distracted by all her preparations. And Jesus said to her, "You are worried about so many things."

This is how I picture it: Mary and Martha prepared a nice meal. Jesus arrived and Mary went out to sit with him. Martha was busy folding the napkins into swans, cutting the radishes into roses, and tucking garnish around the fish.

I always pictured myself as Mary because I'm not a super busy, bustling kind of person. I always prefer sitting. But when I realized what Jesus was saying to Martha I understood that too often I am she.

When I had people over, I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted things to be pretty. I went to a lot of extra work just to impress people. I was worried about a lot of things. I felt anxious, irritable and unappreciated. Mostly, I worried about what people thought of me.

There is nothing wrong with hospitality. There is nothing wrong with making things pretty. But what is the reason?

I found that most of my preparations weren't about blessing; they were about impressing.

My company probably would have felt more relaxed if I were in the living room with them rather than banging around in the kitchen. I don't think they were extra blessed by my extra efforts to impress.

I suspect that may be what was going on with Martha, too. If all the extra things you do are for the right reasons and bring you joy, by all means, do them. But if they stress you out. If they make you feel pressured and worried, choose the better thing.

And while sitting at the feet of Jesus is always the better thing, maybe it wasn't just because He was Jesus--son of God-- but because he was simply a person.

Maybe, sitting with your guests and enjoying their presence is a better thing than hanging in the kitchen putting all the unnecessary touches on things.

It's easy to be distracted and worried about many things this time of year. Let's try to remember what really matters.

The better thing is relationship.

Grace

2011-12-11T16:58:00.001-07:00

I love Brennan Manning. I've never met him. But I'd hoped that someday I would. I hoped that one day I would hear him speak.
I've read only a couple of his books. And every day I read a selection of Reflections for Ragamuffins.
He talks of Love. His words have done more to show me the unfaltering love of God than anything I've read, apart from Scripture.
He talks of Grace. Grace to accept ourselves as imperfect. Grace to accept ourselves as we are, where we are, just as God does.

Our pastor knows Brennan Manning. He told us that he and an associate pastor travelled to visit with him a few days ago. Mr. Manning is now in an assisted living home. The alcoholism of his past had unalterable affects on his body. It's caught up with him and now he struggles with dementia and blindness.
My heart broke to hear this news. I'd imagined him out there still preaching and teaching and writing.

Pastor said that after they had visited a while Mr. Manning leaned forward and said, "Can I ask you a question?" The pastors moved closer, eager to hear what thought provoking question this man of wisdom would present...

"Can you guys leave now?"He asked.

As the pastor told this story, he laughed. We laughed. Brennan Manning was tired. He was honest.
Our pastor said to us, "That's grace. Grace is being what you are, not what you think you should be."

Grace is being who you are, not who you think you should be.
Grace is having the decorations you have, not the ones you think you should have.
Grace is baking the cookies you bake (or don't), not the ones you think you should bake.
Grace is having the parties you throw (or don't), not the parties you think you should throw....

Grace is freedom. Grace is honesty. Grace is the whole purpose for God coming down as a baby in the first place.

This Christmas, embrace grace. Just be, and forget whatever it is you think should be.

Christmas Feet - a partial repost

2011-12-08T12:17:00.001-07:00

Not everyone will have a Merry Christmas.

"Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows." Isaiah 53:4

When one of my kids asked why I had a picture of a foot on my blog, I said, "Because it's Christmas and Jesus got feet."

He traded feet like bronze for feet of flesh. Pudgy little feet with ten little piggies.

He stubbed his toes. He stepped on splinters and stickers and rocks.

Nails were pounded into those feet.

I know that during the thirty-three years He wore those feet, he experienced grief and loss. Jesus knows our pain. We are never alone in our suffering.

If this Christmas is a difficult one for you, cling to the deeper truth of the Holiday. Jesus put on flesh, suffered and died.

God came down to walk with us. He walks with us still.

Forget the bells and tinsel, the egg nog and cookies and cling to the one who has walked where you walk. He hasn't just been in your shoes; He's been in your feet.

In the Waiting

2011-12-06T13:07:00.001-07:00

Matthew 1:23 “Behold, a virgin shall be with child, andshall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which beinginterpreted is, God with us.”

Photo by Godric Godricson
from Morguefile.com

Advent. A time of eager and joyful expectation. Right?

But not then. Not for them.

They were weary. Living under the ungodly, oppressivegovernment of Rome and the greedy, bloodthirsty rule of the Tetrarchs, theywere over-taxed, over-burdened, abused, and frightened.

Religion was no help. If anything, the merciless legalism ofthe times made things worse.

And they’d been waiting a long time.

Waiting for an end to their suffering.

They’d heard of a deliverer, but where was He? Where wasthis promised Messiah? Where was God?

I’ve heard that Mary was the most common name for girls atthe time. We do see several in the Gospels, so it could be true.

The name means Bitter.

Weary of waiting. Desperately waiting. Waiting for releasefrom the bitterness of life. It seems they’d lost hope.

We’ve all been there. When one wait ends, another begins.

Life is waiting.

We wait for a son to return home to those he’s turned hisback on.

For a loved one to know the Lord.

For a friend to be healed.

A child or spouse to come home from war.

A job—financial security.

A restored relationship.

A healed marriage.

Forgiveness.

For someone to abandon an addiction.

Reconciliation.

An e-mail from an agent.

Confirmation that we’re doing what we are supposed to bedoing.

Always waiting and we are weary. We are desperate. Desperatefor hope. For God to step in and show Himself.

Two thousand years ago God took on strands of DNA and becamea tiny human in the womb of a girl named Bitter.

And His name was Emmanuel. God with us.

God stepped into the weary desperation.

He didn’t remove their suffering. Rome still ruled. Thereligious leaders were still unforgiving. Life was still hard.

He didn’t come to relieve their suffering. He came to walkwith them in the midst of it.

We need not grow weary in the waiting because He’s here. We’renot waiting for Him to show up. He’s already here—inside us.

And those things we want, those things we watch for, theyare good things, but the best thing, the bestthing is God With Us.

I’ve looked back into my waiting and seen where God hasbeen. Right there in the moments when it seems I’d lost hope. If God offered toanswer all my prayers, solve all my problems right now, I wouldn’t do it if itmeant losing those glimpses of His love.

Look deeply into your waiting and see Him. See where He’sbeen and how He’s touched you. Together let’s remember, no matter howdiscouraging or bitter life gets, let’s remember Emmanuel.

anticipating

2011-12-04T17:14:00.001-07:00

We haven't put up any decorations yet.
I'm enjoy this quiet time of waiting.
The past few years, we've decorated the weekend following Thanksgiving. One holiday bumped against our anniversary then bumped against the next holiday.
And I wondered why I couldn't get excited about Christmas.

I figured out that I missed looking forward to it. With such a cramped schedule, when was I supposed to fit that in?

This year, I'm savoring the anticipation. That's my favorite part of most things. The eager expecting.

I'm starting to feel excited about it. The giddy eagerness I used to have.

Turns out all I need in order to get some Christmas spirit is a little breathing room.

It's okay to be imperfect.

2011-11-23T11:34:00.001-07:00

One year I decided to make a pecan pie. I followed the recipe exactly, except when it came time to take it out, it was still jiggly. So I put it back in and baked it some more. It took a long time, but finally that pie was cooked through and no longer jiggled. Turns out, it's supposed to jiggle, I guess. I couldn't even get a knife into it. We banged it on the counter just to see if we could break off a piece.
We couldn't.

The holidays are a lot more enjoyable when we realize they aren't going to be perfect and we can laugh at ourselves.

Got any laughs you want to share?

Mysterious

2011-11-18T09:48:00.001-07:00

Five Minute Friday meme. Todays prompt is Grow.

My mom had a garden when I was growing up. I didn't like helping. But I was fascinated to see things grow.
I remember the bean seed I planted in a cup in school. How I could see it grow from both ends. It's like magic that all that green, all that plant, even new beans, all contained in that tiny shell.
When my kids were born, they were tiny. I mean, in hindsight. At the time they seemed like normal babies. They were normal babies, but they were so small. My daughter is now as tall as I am. My son is but a head shorter than me.
How does that happen? How does food and water make stuff appear where it wasn't before? Growth is weird. It is mysterious. Something from nothing, really. It is a daily act of mini-creation. There was nothing, now there's something. The finger just a bit longer. The shoes just a bit tighter.
And on the inside.
Growth. Something where there used to be nothing. I have confidence I didn't have even a decade ago. I have courage and strength and so much that used to not be there. Faith. Deeper faith.
But all this growth hurt. Well, a lot of it did.

Time's up. But I'm just getting started...

I Wanna Be...

2011-11-08T11:11:00.000-07:00

I know people who have always wanted to be one thing. From the time they were little, they had one passion. To be a pilot, a writer, a nurse, whatever. That's not me.
Through my life I've wanted to be many things. Often at the same time. Even now, there are several things that I'd love to do.
Here's a list of my lifetime aspirations.

Wonder Woman
Rodeo Queen
Rancher
Farmer
Veterinarian
Astronomer
Archaeologist
Biologist
Pilot
Airline attendant - I filled out some kind of interest form. Got a phone call. He asked me all about how I looked. How tall I was, how much I weighed, what color eyes I had. Then he said I would be fine and told me what to do next. But I was only mildly interested, so I let it drop.
Nutritionist
Doctor
Nurse Practitioner
Nurse Midwife
R.N. - this is the one I got a degree in, planning to become one of the above, but then I changed my mind about advancing.
Nurse for INH in Alaska
Lactation consultant
Doula
Owner of a B&B for pregnant and new moms
Florist
Wound specialist
Counselor
Teacher of kids with autism
Neuroscientist

And so... I am a writer.

Thankful I'm Me

2011-11-06T14:58:00.002-07:00

I'm very good at picking on myself. I spend a lot of time digging around and poking at my own insecurities. My insufficiencies and inadequacies are constantly circling through my head.

I say this to make it clear that I'm not the kind of person who dwells on how wonderful I am. I'm too busy beating myself up for not being perfect.

So I found it strange last night, as I lay on the verge of sleep, when prayers of thanksgiving started going through my mind. "Thank you that you made me to be such a lover of God. Thank you that you put in me a desire for you that I can't remember ever being without. Thank you for giving me a sense of humor. Thank you for making me empathetic. Thank you for giving me a unique way of seeing things..." I didn't even feel like the thoughts were coming from me.

But this morning as I was thinking it over, I realized that we really should be thankful for who God made us to be. It's His work. Not ours. It feels like boasting or being conceited, but it's not. Not if we realize that we are what we are only because of His creative skill and His grace.

I think to focus on the negative, on the things we dislike about ourselves, does Him a disservice. Where is the glory in that? How does He receive glory from us beating ourselves up?

This is a new thought for me. I'd love to hear yours.

Hiding

2011-11-04T12:44:00.000-06:00

I saw this prompt style meme on Michelle Pendergrass' blog and thought I'd give it a try. The rules are to write for five minutes, then stop. No editing, no over-thinking. Just write. Here goes!
Five Minute Friday
The prompt is Remember:

I remember when I used to play outside on summer evenings. Hiding amongst the shrubs and trees. Hoping not to be found, yet hoping I would be.
I remember when the entire neighborhood was our hiding and seeking place. Cars, trees, the park. We hid, we sought.
I remember hiding notes and secret things in the curtain rod of my room. The little end cap was removable and I thought it the most sneaky thing ever that I had discovered that and I kept my secrets there.
I remember hiding my thoughts in diaries. Thoughts too personal and precious for the world to know. I read them now and laugh. The deep secrets of a twelve year old girl with some serious boy-craziness.
I remember hiding who I was. Hiding my self-doubt and insecurity. Or did I hide it? I was so shy, perhaps everyone could easily see how uncertain I was.
What am I hiding now? I try to be open and authentic, but I wonder if secrets are still lurking in there somewhere.

Funeral for a Writer

2011-11-01T12:53:00.001-06:00

I recently joined the funeral ministry at our church. Yesterday was the first funeral I attended in this position.

It was for a woman who had lived nearly ninety years. She seemed to have had a good life.

I didn't know her. But I learned that we had a common bond. She was a writer. Not anyone that we've heard of. Her book won't be at the library. But that's not what it means to be a writer.

Her family found large sketchbooks filled with handwritten records of the family, events, life stories. She wrote a book with all this information and had it published somehow in a hardback version.

A treasure for her family.

The pastor at the funeral said, "She looked for the story." As we writers tend to do. Even as I sat there listening, I was finding a story.

On the program from her husband's funeral, she had taken notes. In the margin she had written a description of the young soldier who presented to her the flag from her husband's casket. In the time of her deepest grief, she wrote.

Writers are people who write.

Breath

2011-10-03T16:31:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I just need a big ol lungful of mountain air.
Today we headed west of Denver to see if we could find some Aspens.
I could have driven for hours, but those with me were being so patient that I had my hubby turn off at the first Open Space sign I saw. I didn't want to push it.

The park had lots of power lines. The sound of traffic on the highway was too loud. But...

There were Aspens. There was sweet mountain air by the lungful. There was everything I needed. I came down the trail with a big grin and a lighter heart.

Time

2011-10-02T11:04:00.000-06:00

"But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near."

- Andrew Marvell (1621-1678)

Time Flies.

Time's up.

What time is it?

Too much time on my hands.

Time to go.

In no time.

Time is short.

Give me a little time.

Take all the time you need.

How much time do we have?

Never on time.

Time stood still.

Where has the time gone?

Time to think about time. Our culture is fixated on it.

Personally, I don't have a very good relationship with time. I would just as soon live in a culture that didn't keep track.

Time constricts me. But I bet if we were honest we would all agree. Why do we look at clocks so often otherwise?

Here's my thought: we weren't designed to live in time.

I believe we were made to be timeless. To be eternal. We were created to live outside of time like God does.

But we messed up. So now we have a limit to our time. We are cursed to die. Every minute counts now. They are numbered.

We are constantly aware of this. We are limited and our time on earth is limited. But I think we also know something else, we aren't supposed to be limited.

That is God's voice in us. We are created to live eternally.
We can, of course. He has shown us how. But even those of us who have that assurance of eternal life, we still feel hounded by time.

It just isn't the way things are supposed to be.

(This is an edited repost)

Things About Summer

2011-08-05T15:00:00.000-06:00

I'm not much for complaining...
Well, ok. I love to complain. But I'm trying to kick the habit.
Summer is my least favorite month. I have low tolerance for heat and I don't feel well most of the summer. But I've worked hard this summer to complain less about it.
So instead, I want to list some of the things that I appreciate about summer.

~ Greenness everywhere
~ Leaves
~ Shady places
~ Peaches
~ Watermelon
~ The smell of fresh cut grass
~ Thunderstorms, as long as they aren't too close or too scary
~ Cool evenings and nights
~ Foot freedom
~ Fewer obligations
~ Flowers
~ Hummy birds
~ Butterflies

Don't Broadcast What You Believe

2011-07-11T14:06:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine was putting on makeup for a special occasion.
"I'm so bad at this. I really don't know what I'm doing when it comes to makeup."
She made comments of this type a couple of times, so...
I believed her.

When I saw her with weird smudges of gloppy eyeshadow, I thought I should help her.
I offered. She backed away, "No, wait, it has to dry and then I blend it."

Truth is, she is perfectly capable of applying makeup. She is as competent as anyone with the blush and the eyeshadow--with the whole works.

But she believed she wasn't. She broadcast that belief, and since I didn't know any better, I believed her. I even acted on that belief.

When we announce things about ourselves, we'd better keep this in mind: people will believe us. We want to be sure that what we are saying is the truth. That's a hard thing to do. It's hard to discern the false beliefs we hold about ourselves.

"I'm a terrible writer."
"I can't cook."
"I'm too fat."
"Nobody likes me."
"I don't know what I'm doing."

We all do it. We all announce our insecurities at times. But perhaps we need to learn how to word them as truths?
"I don't feel confident applying makeup."
"I doubt my abilities as a writer/cook/whatever."
"I feel like I'm too fat."

I think it's bad enough that I believe some of the things I do about myself. Do I really want other people to believe them, too?

mindful eating

2011-07-08T12:23:00.002-06:00

I've been reading a book called Real Food has Curves: How to Get Off Processed Food, Lose Weight, and Love What You Eat.
The book's focus is just paying attention to what we eat.

Most meals involve mindlessly stuffing some kind of food into our faces until our stomachs groan, letting us know we've had enough. Am I right?

The book tells us to think about what we're going to eat. Choose something that is a real food. Not processed or refined.

Then look at it. Smell it. And taste it. Really taste it. Think about the flavors. Are there overtones?

How does the food feel? Is there any resistance to the chew? Is it crispy? Chewy? Smooth?

Then after chewing well, swallow fully. Then load the fork and start over.

Savor. Think. Involve the senses.

The premise of the book is that if we eat this way, we'll lose weight. When we eat whatever is at hand, shoving it in without experiencing it, we aren't satisfied. So we find something else to shove in. Then something else.

If we eat mindfully, then our brain takes part, memory is stimulated, emotion engages, and we are satisfied.

Makes sense to me. But I'm finding it hard to change. I've decided I want to begin with one mindful meal per week. Hopefully I can do more, and in time I know I will, but I run on autopilot now and it's hard to break that pattern.

things I'll do in my 40s that I wouldn't have done in my 20s

2011-07-07T18:59:00.000-06:00

~ Volunteer to be in a skit
~ Speak to a group
~ Write a novel
~ Drink a glass of wine
~ Lead a Bible Study
~ Feel comfortable with a group of women, even if they are prettier, better-dressed, and have it all together
~ Confront someone, like the guy at the deli who was going to slice my meat without washing his hands--even though he'd just been mopping
~ Raise my hands in church
~ Attend a different denomination than I'm used to
~ Wear a hat
~ Fast
~ Talk to a counselor

I see a theme. Freedom. Freedom in Christ. Freedom to be myself.
It's a work in progress.
What about you? Whatever decade you're in, how have you changed?

i love me

2011-07-05T15:14:00.001-06:00

photo from morguefile.com

For several years now I've prayed that God would show me His heart. I've asked Him to cause me to love what He loves and hate what He hates.
I know that God is answering that prayer. I love other people far more than my natural tendencies would account for. I can see a big change, especially over the last few years.

But this occurred to me the other day: if I'm going to love what God loves, I'm going to have to be crazy, head over heals in love with myself.

We have such a hard time with that, don't we? Even the idea of loving ourselves sounds conceited, arrogant, self-centered.

We also find it difficult because we don't really believe how much He loves us. Or maybe we believe in our heads, but we don't really believe it.

Sure, He loves me. He loves everybody. We can accept that.

But it goes much deeper. He rejoices over me with singing.
He sings songs about me! He absolutely adores me.

He absolutely adores you. Head over heals!

So, if I'm going to love what God loves, if I want to know His heart, I'm going to have to love me. I pray that He'll show me how.

getting fat

2011-07-01T17:41:00.000-06:00

I haven't been svelte for some time. One might be correct in saying that I've only been that way for about six months during my mid-twenties.

Fortunately, I don't really aspire to svelteness. But I do aspire to be something a little less...squishy.

I have Chronic Epstein Barr Virus which causes fatigue that is sometimes debilitating. Exercise at the wrong time can make it worse and put me out of commission for days.
And a year and a half ago I injured my back which put me on the couch for several months. Going to the bathroom and up the stairs to bed was the most I could do. Sitting very still and eating potato chips occupied my time.
So I gained weight.
Not tons, but more than I needed because I needed none.

So now I'm thinking that I'd like to do something about it.
I'd like to hear from any of you who have any kind of physical trouble that gets in the way of exercising. What do you do? Have you found ways to work around it?
I'd like to hear from anyone who has lost weight by changing their lifestyle.

mysteries

2011-06-30T11:58:00.000-06:00

photo from morguefile.com

I love mysteries.
I like reading mystery stories. I like watching mysteries on television and movies. Trying to decipher the clues to figure out who done it.

But more than that, I love real life mysteries. Not murders, so much, but mysterious things.

Crop circles. I am fascinated by crop circles. See, I don't believe that they are all man made. There are too many unexplained factors in real crop circles. And I love that!
I love that we don't know everything. We think we do. We get pretty arrogant about it. Reminds me of the guys who arrested Galileo because he believed the sun was the center of the solar system.
They thought they had it all figured out. Thought they knew so much. Thought they were the center of everything.
Just like us.
Maybe someday, in a few centuries they'll be laughing at the foolish things we believe. They may have a very sensible scientific explanation for crop circles that makes us look idiotic for not seeing it.

But for now, they are mysteries.

But not to everyone.
That's why I love mysteries so much. Because they remind me that there is Someone who knows all about them. God knows what's behind crop circles and the like. He's not mystified by animal mutilations, black holes, or women. He knows. He is the center of everything, not us, and He keeps allowing things to remind us of this. For those of us with eyes to see and the humility to accept, anyway.

That's the theme of the novel I'm writing. There are things we may never know and we have to learn to be okay with that. We have to trust in the One who does know.
It's okay for God to have secrets.

whimsical wednesday - crop circles

2011-06-29T16:16:00.000-06:00

I've decided to try to blog each day to a theme. Wednesdays will be whimsy.

Today I want to share some of my favorite crop circles.

Many crop circles are fractals and many use Fibonacci numbers.

Regardless of whether these are created by man or by something more mysterious, you can't deny that they are beautiful. And whimsical.

the will of God

2011-06-28T11:43:00.000-06:00

Photo from morguefile.com

I have spent many hours in my life praying and doubting in turmoil and angst about what God wants me to DO.
Because it matters to me. I want to do His will. I want to be where He wants me to be, doing what He wants me to do, how He wants me to do it.
I'm a believer that God has specifics in mind for us. That He has a "best" for me.
I want the best.
So I've wrestled a lot with trying to find it.

But then I got this little picture in my head:
A father takes his daughter for a walk through a deep and tangled wood. "Stay close, follow me," he says. Then he runs and hides.

Right....

God wants us to know His will. He's not hiding from us. He's not making it obscure as some kind of test.
"Let's just see how badly she wants this."

No. We want to be in His will. He wants us to be in His will. Could it be any simpler?

Yet, it's complicated. But I don't think the complications come from Him.
The devil would love for us to be far out of God's will, so I'm sure he tries to confuse things, but our hearts are in the right place and he can't do anything about that.
I think the biggest complication comes from our own flesh. Our doubts. Our insecurities. "Surely God wouldn't ask me to do that. Doesn't He know my limitations?"

The thought I've had before is that I don't doubt God's ability to reveal His will, but I doubt my ability to see it.
Maybe there's some truth to that. Maybe not. Maybe if we just keep walking, with our eyes on Him, we'll find ourselves in His will. We see a door, we take it. We hear a suggestion, we heed it. Keep walking.
If we approach the wrong door, He'll close it. He won't chide us. "I can't believe she thought I wanted her to do that!" He knows our hearts are for Him and He will see that we end up where we need to be.
That I have no turmoil or angst about.
Or better yet, what if we just hop on his back? Let Him do the walking? We just hang on for the ride?

Still, I know I'll go through it again. I know I haven't got the "keep walking" or the piggy back ride down. But maybe I'm getting closer?

it ain't easy being a dad

2011-06-19T10:02:00.000-06:00

I don't know what it's like to be a father, obviously. But fathers and fathering are on my mind today.

Seems like dads get the bum rush on this day set aside to honor them. "Dads should step up." "We love our dads but they really could do better." That kind of thing. Have you noticed?

I think that dads are great. Not all of them, but not all moms are great either and we tend to overlook that fact on Mother's Day. Why can't we over look the rotten dads on Father's Day? Why can't we just praise the dads who are doing the hard work and being the best fathers they can?

Moms have maternal instinct, making it natural for us to do what we do. It drives us to nurture and listen and participate in our children's lives.

Ever heard of paternal instinct? I guess it exists, but I think it takes the form of providing and protecting. Dad's are wired to love their families, but they show it differently. They love us by taking care of us from a distance.

That's why I think that every dad who makes an effort to engage on a relational level deserves special thanks. Every dad who spends time with his kids, who listens to them, who shares with them, deserves honor.

Being that kind of dad may not come naturally. Maybe it involves intention. Maybe it involves choosing.

Maybe I'm wrong (I don't mind if some of you guys want to correct me). I'm just thinking about how our dad's dads were compared with dads of today.

Either way, I think being a dad is hard work. Seems like we keep raising the bar. Demanding more of them before they qualify as a "good" dad.

I think we should get rid of the double standard: every mom is fabulous and no dad measures up. On Facebook and Twitter this morning I've seen it. Men admonishing other men to be better dads. Women saying thank you, but tagging on the request for more.

Why can't we just say thank you?

Thank you, dad, for going beyond, for being a part of our lives.
Thank you, hubby, for being intentional about spending time with our kids.
Thank you, all you dads. The world needs you. Thank you for what you do.

passive-reactive, or why i don't make a plan

2011-06-03T12:40:00.001-06:00

Michael Hyatt, the Chairman of Thomas Nelson Publishers, has a plan. He regularly sits down with his wife and they plan out their lives. He even has an e-book called Creating Your Personal Life Plan to show you how to do it yourself. And he's giving it away. Free. Go check it out. I'll wait.

I think it's wonderful--for him. And maybe for you.

But for me? It sounds like torture. Then prison. Then maybe a ball and chain. But that's just me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing it. It obviously works for him. The man is productive. He's accomplishing things.

What I am saying is that it takes all types and I'm not that type.

I'm not really that interested in climbing ladders. I don't look back on my day and measure my productivity. I'm really more about being than I am about doing. My focus is on relationships and being available. I go with the flow. Where ever the wind blows.

In college a friend asked if I was more active or passive. I didn't understand at the time, but now I know that I am definitely passive. For sure. No question.

Being active, goal oriented, productive, and driven is highly valued in our culture. Ambition rules!

But that's not me. And you know what? I'm ok with that. Because I'm ok with being me.

I guess you would say I'm reactive rather than proactive. But I prefer the word responsive.

Things happen; I respond.

I have no idea of where I'll be in five years. I have some things I'd like to accomplish by then and I work toward that, but I'm flexible. I don't even know where I'll be in six months.

Michael is prayerful about his life plan. God is involved.

I am prayerful about my responses. I am prayerful about my dreams. I think we have the same end, but different ways of travelling there. He's a jet, I'm a balloon.
He goes where God tells him to, and so do I.

It takes all types.
Maybe he and I are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Perhaps there are many other types in between.

What about you. Are you a planner? Are you a responder? Are you ambitious and driven? Do you go where the wind takes you? Or are you a combination? Tell me about you.

scents of the season

2011-05-31T18:07:00.000-06:00

The temperatures have finally risen here in Colorado. Summer seems to be upon us. It's not my favorite time of year, though. I'm not very tolerant of heat and sun and sweating and such.

But summer is...Summer! There are some wonderful things to be said for it. No school. No icy roads. A feeling of freedom.

But some of my favorite things are the scents.

Freshly mowed grass.
Sliced melon.
Cool cucumbers.
Sweaty little kids.
Iced tea.
Lemons.
Hot cotton.
Roses.
Rain laden pines.

I have to make an effort to enjoy summer rather than simply surviving it. One of the things I can do is sit back, close my eyes and take a deep breath.

What scents speak summer to you?

rapture day

2011-05-21T10:59:00.000-06:00

In case you haven't heard, the world is supposed to end today.

I believe in the rapture. I believe that some day Christ will come and take his bride (the church, believers, Christians) out of this world. But I believe that it cannot be predicted. The Bible says that no one knows the day. I take that to mean that no one knows the day.

I think we can know the season, but that's a different post.

So, no, I don't believe the rapture is going to take place today.

There have been a lot of tongue-in-cheek questions about how we should spend our last hours. What should we accomplish and what should we ignore if the world is ending? What are our priorities?

I don't think I'd change anything. My future is secure in Christ. I'm ready. I'm eager. The idea of Christ coming fills me with expectation and joy, not fear.

Not to say that my life is perfectly prioritized. But I'm not sure a last minute shuffle would accomplish anything.

The thing is, he could come tomorrow. He could come next week. It really could be any time. Any time. We should always be looking, waiting, and ready.

But it's not about when he comes. Most of us will meet him in death, anyway, instead of the rapture. It is about the fact that we will each stand before him, one way or another. That is certain. That can't be avoided. What will that moment look like for you?

Even so, Lord Jesus, come.
The Spirit and the Bride say 'come'.

he got it

2011-04-23T12:46:00.000-06:00

photo via morguefile.com

Last night at Good Friday service my thoughts were captured by the thief on the cross.

What kind of faith does it take to say to a dying man, "Hey, when you get your kingdom, remember me."

He's dying.

What kingdom?

What can a dead man do for you?

The disciples were still confused. They were still looking for some kind of earthly coup.

But this guy--this convict--he got it.

I have the feeling that this thief may have been picking pockets at the sermon on the mount. I think he was familiar with Jesus and His teachings. He knew Who He was. And not just Who, because the disciples knew that much. This guy knew that the Kingdom was not of this world. He knew that death wasn't enough to stop this King.

He got it.

no ordinary death

2011-04-22T21:36:00.000-06:00

When a man dies, hearts break. Life is shaken. It is cataclysmic for those who love him.

When the man--God--who holds all things together breathed his last it was no ordinary death.

Matthew 27: 51-52 says, "...and the earth shook and the rocks were split.

The tombs were opened, and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised;

This was a cosmic event.
When Christ died, the earth shuddered and Death was disturbed.

How could the people who witnessed the blackened sky, the shattered rocks, and dead people walking out of tombs still believe that Jesus was an ordinary man?

it's all about the love

2011-04-22T13:51:00.000-06:00

Photo via morguefile. com

I've heard it said that the word "maundy" comes from the latin "mandatum novum" which means new commandment.
So Maundy Thursday means New Commandment Thursday. (Yes, I know today is Friday, but I'm still thinking about yesterday.)

His new commandment? "Love one another as I have loved you."

Today I was reading John's account of Christ's final hours. After partaking of the Passover meal, Jesus had a lot to say to his disciples. We tend to save the most important things until last, don't we? And Jesus did the same.

Jesus repeated his new commandment at least three times over the course of the evening.

He also gave an object lesson involving grape vines. He told us that we should abide in him. That we should abide in his love. Then he tells us how to abide in him: by keeping his commandments. Then he once again gives his commandment, "Love one another as I have loved you."

To abide in Christ requires that we love each other. Not just a little, but the way Christ loves us.

Not an easy thing to do. Really, it's beyond us. I think that's why in the same discourse Jesus talks about the Holy Spirit, sent to help us. We need the Spirit's help in order to keep Jesus' commandments. In order to love like he does and abide in him.

I don't know how well I've kept his commandments. There are some people that are easy to love. But others...
I want to learn. I want to love. I want to obey and abide.
It's all about the love.

Lent

2011-04-20T15:45:00.000-06:00

Lent is almost over!

The past couple of years I've given up Facebook for lent, which isn't a bad idea considering how much time I spend on there. But it didn't really do anything for me spiritually.

This year I gave up food. Not all food, but nearly all good food. At least in my taste-buds' opinion.
It's been tough.
But there is some kind of connection between food and the soul. When we deprive the body of something it wants, the soul gets stronger. When we ignore the cries of the flesh, we are better able to hear the wooing of the Spirit.

This has been a tough (almost) forty days. But it's been wonderful, too. It's not gone the way I expected. I didn't experience sweetness and pats on the head. God has gotten down to business. And so have I. It's been hard work. And painful. But so good.

So, with mixed emotions I look forward to eating a cheeseburger next week. I'm happy to be getting my food choices back. But a little sad to leave this season.
Still, life is made of seasons. Fasting and feasting and I'm sure that I will find God in the feasting of Easter as much as I have in the fasting of Lent.

Do you practice Lent? If so, how? And if not, have you considered it?

they say be careful what you ask for

2011-04-13T10:13:00.000-06:00

I hate lies.
Despise deception.
I want to know what I can believe--whom I can trust.

So, I asked God to break the power of deception in my family. It's not that we have an unusual penchant for untruths. We aren't a bunch of liars or anything--no more than most people. But I felt compelled to pray that God would remove from each of us the ability to deceive.

Guess what?

He started with me.

I don't lie much. Not outright. I pride myself on my honesty. I make a real effort.

Pride is so often misplaced.

Even though I'm not an outright liar, for the most part, I am quite the deceiver, it turns out. And the person I am deceiving? Me.

God has taken this opportunity to strip away the ability to deceive myself. It's frightening. It's disgusting. I can't believe the things I've been hiding.

It's wonderful. It's liberating! The truth always is.

His pleasure

2011-02-11T09:29:00.000-07:00

I recently watched Chariots of Fire for the second time. The first time I watched it was in the 1980's and I couldn't follow the story. I couldn't keep all of the characters straight. But this time I managed just fine and really enjoyed the film.

Lately, I've been questioning why I write.

In the movie the two main characters run for different reasons. Both run to win, but one wants to win to prove something and to prove himself. The other wants to win for the glory of God.

In the film Eric Liddel is talking to his sister about why he runs. He says, "God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast. When I run, I feel His pleasure."

This got me thinking...when do I feel God's pleasure?

I feel it when I worship Him. I feel it when I listen to a friend who is hurting. When I empathize--weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. When I love well. When I encourage someone.

All of those things seem to be more about who I am than what I do. I don't know that I feel His pleasure when I write. Of course that doesn't mean He isn't pleased. Perhaps I'm just not paying attention.

When do you feel His pleasure?

i feel old

2011-01-19T10:53:00.001-07:00

I'm going to be forty-five soon. I've done a lot of thinking about age lately.
I developed a back problem over a year ago. Over that year I've done things like look at canes online, contemplate the use of the little cart at the grocery store, and choose clothes based on their ability to hide my orthopedic device.
Nice.
Then one day, the chiropractor told me that I needed more supportive shoes. What? Should I get those weird taupe colored orthopedic shoes? Maybe get some support stockings while I'm at it?

Here are some other things that make me feel old:

~ There are people who were born after I became an adult who are now adults themselves.

~ I have friends who are grandmas.

~ There are doctors younger than I am.

~Kids I used to babysit have kids.

~ I won't even go into the litany of physical decay.

~ I remember records, eight-tracks, and transistor radios.

~ I remember Elvis.

~ I remember when computers were mythical things that filled entire rooms in far off places.

~ I need my children's help to use my Itunes.

~ My phone is smarter than I am.

~ Young women call me sweetie and hon.

~Young men don't look at me. Old men do.

For a while, I considered giving in. I decided I would embrace my dotage, get those support hose, and spend my time reminiscing about the good old days. But you know what? I'm only forty-four. It's possible that I could live that many years more. I may be only half way done.

Fifty years ago forty-four was old. But in this century it's not. I'm not willing to spend half my life being old and decrepit.
There's not a lot more I can do about the decrepit part. I'm working on getting my back healed, but apart from that I can sure do something about my atitude.

My body may be a little out of control, but I can control my thoughts.
I'm gonna stop feeling old.

Any suggestions? What makes a person feel young? What makes a person seem young?

middle school middle agers

2011-01-10T13:14:00.000-07:00

I was never popular. I had friends, but that was about it.

Now though, I kinda feel popular. I feel liked and that's really a nice feeling. It makes me want to pull a Sally Fields--"You like me! You really like me!"

I am blessed to have many friendships on many different levels.
Everything from Facebook friends I've never met to close Bosom Friends.
I'm one of those people who has several very close friends. Some people prefer one or two but I'll take as many as I can get. Each one is my best friend and each one is loved as if they were the only one.

I'm a relational person and I love all of these relationships. But there's a dark side.

Apparently you can take the girl out of Middle School, but you can't take Middle School out of the girl.

I told my friend about a coffee shop I like, so she went to check it out--with another friend. They didn't think I would be able to go, so they didn't even ask. I was hurt and a little angry.

Another time a friend and I met to write, but didn't invite friend number three. So number three was horribly hurt, and little angry.

This friend talks to that friend more than me. That friend had lunch with this friend.
I have a monthly movie-watching date with one friend and other friends are jealous...

I never had to deal with this before.

I didn't know it would be so hard at this age. I had imagined that by midlife we would all be secure and mature and past all this.
But we all want to be liked. We all want to be the favorite. We all want to know that our friendships are sound and firm.

I am working on feeling secure. Letting go. Learning to not feel threatened when my friends have other friendships.

It seems silly to me that I struggle with this, but I know that I am not the only one. It's nice to have yet one more area where we relate. We all go through so many of the same things.
And learning how to handle friendships is a blessing. I wouldn't trade the lessons or the friends for anything in the world.

i don't know how to swim

2011-01-05T17:08:00.001-07:00

photo from www.morguefile.com

When I was trying to learn to float, the teenaged instructor would put her hands under my back while she encouraged me to relax.

I'd say, "Don't let go."

She'd say, "I won't. Relax. Tip your chin up."

"Don't let go."

"I won't. Tuck in your tummy."

"Don't let go."

"I won't."

"Promise?"

"I promise. I won't let go."

Then, when I had my posture just right, my chin up, tummy tucked and was sufficiently relaxed for the water to buoy me up, she let go.

Immediately all my muscles tensed and I sunk.

From then on, I don't care how many times they told me they wouldn't let go, I don't care how many promises they made, I couldn't relax. I couldn't trust them. Even if it was a different girl, or my mother, or my husband. My abdominal muscles alway had that slightly tensed feeling. I was ready. On guard. I still can't float.

The other day I asked God to give me a word, a theme, for this year. A lot of people do that, and I like the idea. I've done it before, although, I have to admit that I usually forget what the word is by December.

This time I heard "Trust." But don't I already know how to trust? Then I heard it again and my stomach muscles did that thing. They tightened up. "But why, Lord? Why would I need to trust? What do you have planned, exactly?" Then I realized that I live my life with those tightened abs. Well, not tight in the way I'd like them to be, but tensed, ready.

I live life in an attitude of not trusting.

I thought I was trusting. Especially I thought I was trusting God.

I do believe. I have faith. I think I have strong faith, but what I've realized is that faith and trust are not the same. Trust is faith lived out.

So, I'm hoping this year I'll learn how to let those muscles relax. I'm hoping I'll put my faith into action and let go.

I'm even thinking it might be time for me to take swimming lessons again.

checkin up on my check up

2011-01-03T17:06:00.000-07:00

Last January I posted about my plans for the year. I mentioned a scarf I was making. Guess what? That scarf still isn't finished. It's still imperfect, though. In fact, when I pick it up and try to work on it I seem to not remember exactly what to do. So it gets more imperfect the more I work on it.
I think I'm not a knitter. It's very tedious. Some people apparently like that. It relaxes them. Not me. I think I'll just buy my scarves and socks and stuff already made.

My plan last year was to embrace imperfection and take risks. I don't remember many risks I took. I did speak for my Writers' Guild. That felt risky, but the reality is that it's a very safe place. I could have fallen on my face and they would have embraced me.
I sorta tend to forget my plans for the year, so I can't say that I was very proactive in the embracing imperfection thing, but I do feel more comfortable with it. I'm still a perfectionist, and perhaps always will be, but I feel a little less pressure. I've found some grace to bestow on myself.

How did you do last year?

next year

2010-12-31T10:16:00.000-07:00

If you've read my blog for a year or more you know I'm not a big fan of resolutions. But I do try to set some goals. I try to formulate a bit of a plan for the next year.
I'm not a real big fan of goals and plans, either, so it doesn't always work out that well.

Focus may be a better term. I try to find some focus.

I want to focus on feeling better. Making some diet changes, one little step at a time. First, no refined sugar. Second, add fruits and veggies. Third, decrease refined flours. We'll see where it goes from there.
You may know that I've had Insufficient SI Joint pain for over a year. It's finally improved to the point that I think it will benefit from exercise. So I'm going to start walking and I'm going to try Tai Chi.

Because of the back pain I've started feeling and thinking like I'm old. That's going to change next year. I'm going to remind myself that I'm only halfway there. I'm not going to surrender to dotage yet.

Writing will be a focus, but I don't want to talk about that. I've discovered that I do better when I don't talk about what I'm doing and planning to do with my writing.

Since I did the creative month thing in November I want to focus more on creativity next year. Make more art. Live more creatively and beautifully.

Relationships and friends are always a focus. That won't change.
God is always a focus. That won't change, either, but I'd like to take some time away next year. Time alone with God. I need it.

What about you? Do you make resolutions? Are you changing things for the New Year?

a friendly little chat

2010-12-29T12:46:00.001-07:00

from morguefile.com

I hope you had a nice Christmas. Whether quiet and reflective or jovial and loud, I hope you enjoyed the day.
We had a nice time at our house. My parents always come up along with my aunt and uncle, all of whom drive two hours to be here.

We went light on the gifts for the kids this year, but they didn't seem to care.
I got some books I've been looking forward to reading. I'll share reviews as I finish them.
That's good enough for me. Give me books and I'm happy. But I got some other nice things as well like some slippers that I've barely taken off since Saturday.

Now 2011 looms around the corner. I remember a long time ago figuring out how old I would be in the year 2000. It seemed so distant and impossible. One of my gift cards expires in 2019. It will be here before we know it. Fortunately, I already used the gift card, so no worries. I'm a procrastinator, but I'm not that bad.

Looking forward to doing some things differently in the next year. I'll talk about that Friday.
How was your Christmas?

amazing

2010-12-27T18:43:00.000-07:00

I've heard a story about a man who wanted to save some geese from the cold as an illustration of the incarnation. The only way he could save them was to release one of his own geese to guide them to the warmth of the barn.
I've heard the incarnation related to us becoming a worm in order to save worms.
But those aren't quite right.
As astounding as the incarnation is--that God became a man, that the One who created billions of galaxies with a word came to live with us, as one of us--as amazing as that is, what's more amazing is why.
He came because He loves us. That man cared about the well-being of those geese, but it was a simple thing to save them. He cared, but he didn't love them. We wouldn't become a worm because we don't love the worms.
God wasn't just doing a good deed. His love compelled Him. He can't live without us. He loves us. Really, deeply loves us.
That's the most amazing thing of all.

2010-12-22T17:36:00.002-07:00

God with us

2010-12-20T15:04:00.000-07:00

When God stepped down to earth, He didn't just step into the human existence, He stepped into your existence. And my existence. And even though Jesus left the earth, He left His Spirit here. God with us. In our lives. In our circumstances. Our joys, our sorrows, the mundane, and the monumental.

But what does that look like? God with us?

I was thinking about those Hebrews waiting for God to be with them. Waiting for the Messiah. They fashioned ideas of what that would look like. They had expectations. God would come and save them from their oppressors and make their lives easier.

So when He came, they didn't see. They were so busy looking for the expected that they missed the extraordinary.
And that can happen to us. We have an idea of how God is going to be with us. We expect something specific and He does it differently and we miss it. We miss Him. Then we think He didn't come. We think He wasn't with us.

God is with us. But we have to learn to set aside all our notions of what having God with us looks like. Don't expect anything. Just watch. Just listen. He's here. Let's not miss Him.

a bit of rambling about the incarnation

2010-12-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

The idea of the incarnation fascinates me. I spend a lot of time letting it flow through me, eddying and swirling and I try to grasp it, but get only little droplets of insight.

God became man.

God with a runny nose. God with a smashed finger from learning how to use a hammer. God needing a bath.
God ate soup. God laughed. God cried.
But the thing is... he wasn't God, he was man. He was God, but He was man. Okay... that part I definitely can't grasp.

You know, when someone you love is in pain and you feel powerless? You want to help. You would give anything to fix things, to ease their burden, but you can't...
Did Jesus ever experience that? We know that Joseph died, and I'm sure many others whom Jesus cared about. Did he look to the Father wanting to intervene and God said "no." And so he had to stand by, watching, waiting and feeling the same helplessness we do?
Or was his knowledge of God and eternity so perfect that he could see the bigger picture and felt no struggle in that moment?

The Bible says he was tempted in all ways just like we are. And I think that during those times we are tempted. Tempted to want things our way instead of God's way. Thinking we can handle the situation better than God can. Tempted to doubt His goodness.

So, I think that Jesus did experience that. I think that was another part of the sacrifice. He was not God, he was a man. A man like us. But different. In all ways the same. In all ways different.

It makes no sense to my feeble mind. But the coming of the God/Man into our lives--into our existence--changed everything. I'm not sure how he did it. I'm just glad he did.

abdication

2010-12-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

When I learned about King Edward abdicating his throne I thought it was the most romantic story I'd ever heard.
Imagine, giving up the throne for the love of a woman.
Of course, during that time, the throne didn't really hold any power anymore. It was purely position, but still...

What if a king of old had done that? Back in the day when brother killed brother, son killed father, husband killed wife for the crown. What if a king had forsaken all that power, wealth, prestige and honor for love? Unheard of.

But then... isn't that what we're celebrating this month? A King who abandoned everything for love. For love of us. He shrugged off the royal robes, set aside the crown, and stepped down from a throne of untold splendor. For us.

Advent

2010-12-13T11:56:00.001-07:00

I didn't grow up with the tradition of Advent, but my husband, kids and I attended a liturgical church for awhile and I fell in love with the church calendar.

Advent is about waiting. Remembering the waiting of Israel. Is the Messiah really going to come? When? When?

It's about us waiting for his return. He promised. He keeps his promises. But when? When?

And it's about us waiting for him in our lives now. Doesn't it seem we are always waiting on God for something? Yet the Bible says that those who wait on him will renew their strength. But when... when?

I could list some things right now that I'm waiting for. Miracles. Healing. Hope. Things that are laid out before him like offerings. Not as pretty as gold, not as fragrant as frankincense or myrrh, but just as precious.

Waiting. Looking. Looking to the clouds in anticipation. Looking for his hand and listening for his voice.

He always comes. He came two thousand years ago. He comes to me each day in some way. Some things I used to wait on him for, I'm not now, because he came.

He knows the when. And that's all that matters. We just wait.

Christmas

2010-12-08T14:57:00.000-07:00

Once again Christmas glitter is dulled by clouds of sorrow. Some of my friends have cancer. There are marriages that have broken, are breaking, or are tottering on the edge. I have friends who've lost mothers in the past couple of months. Friends who don't know if they'll see next Christmas. Friends who are weighed down by pain, physical and emotional.

The past couple of years, I've posted about suffering this time of year. You can read one of the posts here. Not because I'm negative, but because reality has a way of invading. And this time of year when everyone wants to have the "Christmas Spirit" it can be very discouraging to be in a place where you can't find it.

I have my own set of things I'm coping with. I imagine many of you do, too. Stress takes up a lot of room.

I'm simplifying things this year. I'm off schedule for decorating my house. I forgot to get teachers' gifts for my daughter's school. I'm not doing any kind of get-together this year. And I've let that be okay. Why should I pile more stress on? That's not what Christmas is supposed to be about. Not about how pretty my house looks or how many parties I go to. Not even about buying everyone a gift.

Christmas is about God meeting man. It's about me letting God meet me where I am, in the quiet moments when I'll hear him, see him, acknowledge that he is with me.
God with me.
Emmanuel.
God is here. In this moment. In whatever mess you are living in right now. God is here. Let's take the time to breathe, to slow down and let him show us what he wants us to see.
This may not be the Christmas of all Christmases. The kids may not have homemade cookies or get the gift of their dreams.
But if we let God in, then it's Christmas the way it's meant to be.

illustration friday. art # 26

2010-11-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

The topic for Illustration Friday this week is Savour. This is the first thing that popped into my head.

thankful

2010-11-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

I have been creating every day. Mostly. Some days maybe only a little. But that's not what I want to talk about today.
I want to give thanks.
I've posted this before, but if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and this post works for what I have to say.

That God loves me, deeply, faithfully, unconditionally, eternally.

That Jesus provided a way for me to be reconciled to God.

That God is always in control of all things.

That God allows circumstances in my life to test me, strengthen me, prove me, and purify me.

That I have been married for 17 years to the man God created me for.

That I have a brilliant daughter who loves the Lord and is wise beyond her years.

That I have a son who is quick as a whip and sweet and loving.

That my parents are still alive and married to each other 46 years. That they raised me to know Jesus. That they trusted me and were strict at the same time. That they are still there for me.

For my sister and her family. For my nieces and nephew. That things don't always go my way.

That God doesn't say yes to all my prayers.

For blue skies that take my breath away.

For mountains that remind me of the Might and Power and Steadfastness of my King.

For wind that reminds me of the Sweet presence of the Holy Spirit.

For clouds that remind me that some day my Jesus will be riding on one of them to come and get me.

For brooks and streams that remind me of the Water that quenches all thirsts.

For rain that reminds me of the mercies of God.

For thunder that reminds me of the voice of God.

For the word Grace.
For each breath I take. I want God to receive each one as a Praise offering.

For the moon and the stars that remind me how small I am.

For the steam on my tea that reminds me how fleeting my time on earth.

For the wonderful, amazing privilege of Prayer.

For my wonderful friends.

For God's Word. The sharp sword that wounds my flesh and heals my spirit.
The Word of God. The Word who was in the beginning with God. The Word who became flesh.

For my health, my sanity, my intelligence, my personality, my failures, my desires and dreams. They are what make me who I am.

For my house and car and the clothes in my closet. For all of the material blessings that God has shared with me.

For these things and so many more, I give thanks

art #19

2010-11-19T16:07:00.001-07:00

I've been creating, I just haven't been posting. Today maybe I cheated. I made these at Wordle.

art #15

2010-11-15T16:01:00.000-07:00

My friend does beautiful Visual Prayers.
This is a similar idea, but I'm calling it a Visual Answer.

art #14

2010-11-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I made art with words. I created a person, a setting and a situation. I'm not posting it, though.
This is the sketch I did today.
Helping Hand. We all could use one from time to time.

art every day #12

2010-11-12T17:09:00.001-07:00

There is a site that sends an illustration prompt every Friday. Today's prompt was "burning." The rest of the inspiration came while cooking dinner. :D
I have no confidence in my ability to draw people. I want to fill in this space with excuses and qualifiers, but I won't.

art every day- poppies

2010-11-11T16:35:00.000-07:00

I felt poppies were in order for the day.
The first one is just colored pencils.
The second one is watercolors, construction paper, and marker.
I included the photo I used for inspiration. I took it a couple of years ago at Glen Eyrie. Nothing I create will ever rival what God made. The ultimate artist!

art every day #10

2010-11-10T18:53:00.002-07:00

It started out as a bubblegum sculpture. But it kinda took on a life of it's own, if you see what I mean.

this guy's art is astounding

2010-11-10T12:40:00.001-07:00

I think it's astounding. What do you think? Look around his site, you don't want to miss anything.
Peter Callessen's art.
It's all paper!

art every day #9

2010-11-09T16:28:00.000-07:00

We're having our first snow of the season. It's about time! It was nearly 80 degrees yesterday. Gotta love the unexpected to tolerate the weather in Colorado. Although, technically, it was expected. But anyway...

Because of the weather I decided to dig out my knitting. Seemed like a cozy project for the day. I'm not a very good knitter, though. It's taking me a while to remember what I'm doing. Thankfully, my son is easy to please. He won't mind the "personal touches."

art every day bubble gum

2010-11-08T17:16:00.000-07:00

create art every day #7

2010-11-07T17:48:00.000-07:00

I didn't feel like creating today. But I don't want to dork out this early in the game.
I grabbed my sketchbook without moving my lazy self out of my seat and made some dancing trees. I make dancing trees just for fun sometimes. They make me happy.

i love me some buttons

2010-11-06T14:46:00.000-06:00

I think I figured out why sometimes I'm happy with my creative results and sometimes I'm not.

I'm happy with them when I don't have a plan. When I just start doodling, like yesterday, or decide I want to do something with buttons, like today, then I'm happy with what I get.

But when I have an idea of what it should look like, like the chicken or the wreath, I'm more likely to be disappointed.

It has everything to do with expectations. I shouldn't be surprised. Expectations cause of a lot of disappointment in my life. I'm learning (slowly) how to let go of them. Toss them. Give them up and just take what comes. Life is so much more beautiful and satisfying that way.

Buttons glued to card stock.

bird on a fence

2010-11-05T16:31:00.000-06:00

Today I was study hall monitor at my daughter's school. I remembered to take my sketchbook, but forgot pencils. So, I started doodling with my pink and green pens. I like the little picture I ended up with.

Yes, you read correctly. I like it. :)

art of friendship

2010-11-04T18:23:00.000-06:00

Today I created a warm and relaxing environment for my friends. I created a tea party. I worked on a lifelong project: friendship.

All the goodies were store-bought. The effort involved was minimal, but the rewards were great. I love my friends and I love providing a brief respite for them.

about being an "artist"

2010-11-03T16:13:00.000-06:00

I have been doing artistic stuff a lot longer than I have been writing. Like, all my life. I've always enjoyed drawing and painting and cutting and gluing and squishing clay and all that.
I've only been writing about 4 years.

When I read something I've written I often think, "Wow. I wrote that? That's good! I like it!"

When I look at some art piece I've made I inevitably see only the mistakes and flaws and think, "Eh, it looks like I drew/painted/made it."

I guess I want my art to look like someone else did it. I also guess that the fact that it looks like I did it means that I have a unique style. It's just that to me, that style looks like a 5 year old.

But I had so many wonderful comments on the last post and I don't think people were lying. I think they meant them. So... it seems I need to figure out how to appreciate my own abilities in this area. I'm not sure how, though.

Seems this challenge is going to do me a lot of good.

Here's a wreath I made today with a form from the dollar store and some odds and ends I had stashed in a box.

today's art

2010-11-02T17:37:00.000-06:00

The reason I'm posting these is because I really, really, REALLY don't want to.
It's part of my whole, "Get over yourself" plan.
This is my experiment with water colors, water color pencils, and markers.
Someday I want to learn how to use these tools satisfactorily.

In memory of Linda.

This writing a verse in the painting thing is an idea I got from Michelle Pendergrass who makes beautiful art.

art every day

2010-11-01T14:43:00.003-06:00

Last year I did the NaNoWriMo challenge. I wrote 50,000 words in November. It was really good for me. I turned off the inner critic, the inner perfectionist, and the inner rule-follower and wrote whatever came into my head.
I gleaned two stories from the mess that came out of that.

This year I'm not doing NaNo. I'm doing something called Art Every Day Month instead. The process will be similar for me, though. I'm just as critical and perfectionistic about my art as I am about my writing. Which is quite frustrating as I can never get things to look the way I want them to. I'm not a real artist, I just play one in my mind. ;)

Creating some kind of artwork every day is going to require that I put all that aside. The idea of random and carefree creativity appeals to me and terrifies me.

I know that this throwing off of the fetters will help me in my writing as well.

It's been a long time since I've been in an artistic groove. I'm looking forward to it. I'm declaring it a month of fun, unleashed creativity. Imperfect. Unedited. Free.

If you want to join in the fun, click here.

Today's piece is "Chicken."

real kind

2010-10-28T10:41:00.001-06:00

photo from morguefile.com

What does it mean to be kind?
Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit. That's a good thing.

Here's what I'm wondering though: if I have horrible mean thoughts toward someone--a lady in line at the grocery store, for example--and I smile at her and help her when she drops something am I really being kind? I'm acting kind, but is it genuine?

Is kindess an external thing or internal? If I perform kind actions, is that enough?
When I'm in a rotten mood and everything irritates me, it might be more authentic to grump at people, but certainly not kind. I want to be real, but is that always the best thing? I can be real ugly in my realness sometimes.

If I feel like grumping, but I smile and behave kindly, am I being phony? Or is that what kindness is? Choosing to act kindly even when I don't feel like it?

renewed

2010-10-26T16:49:00.001-06:00

Click to enlarge

A friend and I spent the weekend in Estes Park.
We laughed.
We wrote.
We ate.
And ate.
We had some marvelous Indian food.
Some fabulous pizza.
Ben and Jerry's.
Donuts.

Bigfoot!

We spent some time on the side of a hill in Rocky Mountain National Park. I cried. I took photos. I walked around. And I would have danced, had my back permitted.

We watched The Fellowship of the Ring.

And I woke up feeling rested for the first time in a long time. Twice!

Sometimes, we need to get away. Breathe. Relax. Just be.

God met me there.

What I need to do is figure what I can do here. Now. Days when I need refreshed and I can't take a jaunt up to the high country.

Where does he meet you? What do you do when you need renewed?

mountains

2010-10-22T09:16:00.003-06:00

Mountains are quite metaphoric. We move them. We climb them. We have experiences on top of them.

We come down from them.

Lately, I've been called by them. They beckon me to come and just be.

San Isabel

When I was a kid we frequently went to the mountains. We weren't campers, but we went on day trips to fish or to climb or picnic or just take in the scenery.

Cottonwood Lake

I don't know that I always loved it back then. There weren't any McDonalds. Usually there weren't even bathrooms. The trips seemed long and I'm sure my sister and I fought a lot for lack of entertainment.

But those are some of my favorite memories.

Back of Pikes Peak

And now that I've moved to a different part of the state, I'm not familiar with the local mountains. I don't know where to go. I don't know where the fishing holes are.

And, my family doesn't like to be in nature.

And we only have one car.

San Juan Mountains

So...

The mountains call me and I look at them in the distance and yearn.

I see beautiful photos of mountain scenes and weep with longing.

The mountains feed my soul. They nourish me in ways nothing else does.

Estes Park

Several months ago my critique partners and I decided that we would go to Estes Park (Estes Park = mountains) in October. At the time that seemed far to long to wait. But here I am. The weekend is upon me.

This afternoon we are heading up to spend a couple of nights nestled under the Rockies.

I feel a big sigh coming on.

borrowed tag

2010-10-20T14:24:00.001-06:00

Cindy at Notes in the Key of Life tagged someone with this meme and I asked if I could borrow it. I sure have grown lazy in my blogging lately.

1. Given a plane ticket to anywhere in the world, where would you go? I would go to England. And I would stay a long time and visit all of the UK.

2. Who is your most admired woman, living or dead, and why? I think Corrie ten Boom, or her sister Betsy. They demonstrated courage, sacrifice, and forgiveness that I think we all should try to emulate.

3. (Besides the Bible, of course) What is your favorite book, and why? This is a very tough question. There are so many possibilities. I think I'm going to choose The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. It is such a lovely redemption story as well as being imaginative and entertaining.

4. Do you re-read favorite books? (If so, care to name which ones?) I do re-read books. The Chronicles of Narnia, The Hobbit, Loneliness by Elisabeth Elliot, The Hiding Place, Christy, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, C.S. Lewis' space trilogy, Little Women, Heidi, Tess of the D'urbevilles, and more.

5. What is the biggest difference (other than gender!) between you and your husband? Maybe that he's pretty serious and I am a goofball.

6. What is your favorite soup? I love good old Campbell's tomato soup, but I'm allergic to tomatoes now. I think my favorite is Tom Kha. It's a wonderful Thai soup.

7. If calories, weight gain or health were no object, what food would you eat all you wanted of? I would eat beef burritos smothered in cheese and green chili. Or...fudge.

I am supposed to tag someone with some new questions, but I don't know who is blogging anymore. So if you want to answer some questions on your blog, answer these and let me know.

1. What childhood dream do you still hope to achieve?
2. What are your three favorite movies, and why?
3. If anything were possible--there were no obstacles--what would you do with your life?
4. I'm borrowing one from Cindy. If calories, weight, or health were no object, what food would you eat all you want of?
5. Do you watch movies over again? If so, which ones, and why?
6. What is the furthest you have been away from home?
7. If you could choose a great talent, what would you choose?

flashback friday

2010-10-08T14:51:00.003-06:00

Did you play many games when you were growing up? What were they? (Include outside games as well as board & card games.) Who did you generally play with? Did your entire family play games or just the kids? Were there any traditional games your family always played? What were your favorites? Are they still around today?

When my grandma was still alive, (she died when I was ten) we played cards at her house. She taught me rummy, a game called spoons, and one called nuthouse. Just us kids would play slap jack and crazy 8's.
We also played Yahtzee. I still enjoy these games and they often remind me of those times.
My grandpa made a "marble board." We played a game we called "marbles." Turns out it was the same game as Sorry or Trouble. I still have those marbles and I had the board until some movers lost it several years ago.

At home we played things like Monopoly, and Life. The only kid game I remember was Hi Ho Cherry-O.
When I was a teenager we got Trivial Pursuit and Pictionary, still two of my favorites.

My dad taught me to play solitaire. That's a skill that has been valuable over the years. Valuable for procrastinating, anyway.

I don't know if we played games often, but I have good memories of times playing together as a family. I'm not sure why as I'm sure it probably often disolved into fighting. My sister and I fought a lot, and games seem to be good at bringing that out.

One of my favorite things was playing Hide and Seek outside on a summer's night. We also played things like Mother May I when we had some friends over. Most of our outdoor games were things we made up ourselves. Make believer, rather than actual games.

I'm a loser. I very rarely can win a game. Maybe that's why I like Trivial Pursuit, it's one of the few that I can. I can't even win a game of Go Fish!

flashback friday

2010-10-01T10:28:00.001-06:00

I got this meme from Mocha with Linda.

Me at about four years old

What toys do you remember from your childhood?
When I was little, I had a toy record player. I loved that thing!
I had the little farm and the little schoolhouse, too.

I also had a Baby Tender Love. She was supposed to soil her diaper and things, but she didn't work quite right. Still, I liked her enough that she stands out in my memory.

When I got older I had some Barbies, but I didn't enjoy playing with them as much as my friends did.
I had a set of western dolls that came with horses and all the accouterments. Those were fun.

What did you like to do to entertain yourself?
My sister and I used to record ourselves on the tape recorder. I listened to my parents' records a lot. I also read a lot. And best of all, I had a pony. I rode her almost everyday, I guess.

These are some of my toys I still have

Did you mostly play inside or outside?
I'm kinda an inside kind of person, but I did play outside a lot. Most of my memories seem to be of playing outside. I think mom made me.
We had a tire swing and a swing set. And, as I mentioned, a pony. Not easy to play with a pony in the house. We had cats and dogs we played with.
My sister and I would make up games like "Bionic Woman" and "Wonder Woman" and "Cowgirl and Indian." I remember making mud pies and playing hide and seek in the yard at night.

Did you ride a bike all over the neighborhood? Play baseball in the backyard?
I rode my bike up and down our street. When I got quite a bit older I was allowed to ride other places, but I didn't really want to much by then. We had a small store at the end of our block and we could ride down there. Our dead end street came out onto a highway and my folks didn't like us riding along there very much. I
I remember playing ball in the yard. It wasn't ever a real game, but dad would pitch to us. He also taught me how to cast a fishing line with a paper plate for a target.

What were the "fad" or "must-have" toys of your generation? Did you parents buy them?
Kids had banana seat bikes. I didn't.
I can't really remember the other "must haves." Must not have hurt me to not have them.

The two most disappointing toys: I desperately wanted both of them, a sewing machine and a microscope. I got them! But neither of them worked right.

Was there a toy you always wanted and never got to have?
I wanted a Spirograph. My friend had one and I always wanted to play with it when I was at her house. Sometimes she let me, but she usually wanted to play Barbies. I could have Spirographed for hours!

If you would like to take part in this fun blast from the past click below.

invisible illness

2010-09-17T10:21:00.000-06:00

I found this meme and decided I'd use it today.

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Chronic Epstein Barr Virus

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2009

3. But I had symptoms since: 1993 or so.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: learning how to listen to my body. Discern when exercise is going to energize me and when it is going to wipe me out. Determine what I am able to do in a given day.

5. Most people assume: I have no idea. I know that I used to assume that people who had chronic fatigue were just lazy and making up a disease to excuse it. So, of course, that's what I'm afraid people assume about me.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: waking up feeling just as tired as when I went to bed.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: Don't really have one. Dr. Who? No, that doesn't count. I watch re-runs of Emergency now and then.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My heating pad.

9. The hardest part about nights are: The insomnia.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. Not as many as I should. There are supplements that can help, but I have a hard time getting into the routine. If I took everything it would be about 10.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: am grateful. There is no help for CEBV outside of alternative medicine. Many main stream docs don't even believe in it. My doctor has provided some great information and treatments. Best of all, he finally diagnosed me. He's an MD, but uses alternative medicine, too.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: This is an interesting question. I'm not sure. I feel like I would get more understanding if it was visible. But I like that I look healthy on the days that I feel good.

13. Regarding working and career: I don't know how I could have a job if I needed to. I'm very thankful that I don't have to. I don't manage my work at home very well as it is.

14. People would be surprised to know: how relieved I was to get the diagnosis. Maybe. I don't know if that would surprise people or not. I can't think of a different answer.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: That it's permanent.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: I have no idea. I would just erase this question, but then I'd have to re-do all the numbers!

17. The commercials about my illness: There are none. I wish there was more mainstream acceptance and information about it.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: I've never had a lot of energy, but I miss being able to walk through the mall for hours or the zoo or museum without wanting to collapse into a puddle and cry.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: I don't know that I've given up anything. I just have to rearrange my schedule sometimes.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Nothing.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Like I said, I've never had much energy. Before I got this virus I had chronic tonsillitis and that caused a lot of the same symptoms. I'm not sure I would know what to do with normal. I would probably go on a hike or something.

22. My illness has taught me: humility

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: you're just depressed. I don't get that now, but before I was diagnosed that's what every doctor told me.

24. But I love it when people: ask me how I feel and mean it. Realize that it is a real illness and give me grace when I can't follow through on something.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: They that wait on the LORD will renew their strength. They will rise up on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: aren't you relieved to finally have a diagnosis? I haven't actually met anyone who has been diagnosed since I was, but that's what I'd say. A person gets tired of being sick and not knowing why.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: what a jerk I used to be about people with these kind of illnesses. I've been humbled a lot.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: take up the slack. Unfortunately that falls on my husband most times. Poor guy has enough to do without doing my stuff, too.

what is real?

2010-08-26T18:16:00.000-06:00

There's a lot of talk these days about authenticity. At least in my circle of friends.
It's an idea I've been meditating on for some time. What does it mean? It's something that I certainly can't cover in one post, so expect to be hearing more from me on the topic.

We live in a world where it's difficult to detect what is real and what isn't. Vocalists are auto-tuned so that can't tell what their real voices sound like. Even I could sound good with that technology!
Photos are manipulated to show any variety of things. Some are obvious, but others are quite deceptive. I could whittle myself down to a size 5 and erase every sign of aging if I had the right computer program.
These days, you can't even believe your own eyes or ears.

And in the midst of this there is a desire for authenticity. People want to know that what they see is what they get. People are tired of hypocrisy, (I suppose they always have been, I mean, who likes a hypocrite?) and games, and facades.

But do we even know what that looks like anymore? Authenticity, I mean. Do we know what it means to be real?

i'd like a side of dexatrim, please

2010-08-14T14:13:00.000-06:00

My husband shared this article with me this morning. I laughed. I choked. I snorted, I got a tummy ache. I cried.
I'm not sure why it struck me so funny apart from the pure lunacy of it. The fact that anyone would even suggest such a thing and actually be taken seriously. Then put it in the American Journal of Cardiology?! It is utterly ridiculous. Asinine. Ludicrous. *Add your own synonym here.*

My favorite part:"These companies already have an infrastructure for providing a variety of condiments... A generic statin could be added to the panoply of items in the self-service tray at little additional cost."

Soon, we will have no need for any personal responsibility. I think they should include diet pills, and Glucophage in the little packets. Cover all the possibilities, you know?

scary movie

2010-08-04T11:45:00.001-06:00

I already shared this on Facebook, but it tickles me, so I'm sharing it here, too.
Angie Hunt shared this site on her blog. You type in a script and the computer turns it into a movie. You can also choose characters, voices, camera angles, background noise, etc. It's fun.
This is my first movie. I spent a lot of time making a second one that came out much better, but then I was informed that I had to spend money in order to publish any more.
So, if you make one make it your best effort! LOL

a what of writers?

2010-07-29T10:12:00.001-06:00

A dazzle of zebras. Photo from morguefile.com.

We all know cattle come in herds.
Geese come in gaggles.
A group of crows is a murder.
But have you heard of an exaltation of larks?
Or a shiver of sharks?
What about an implausibility of gnus?
A seething of eels.
A rhumba of rattlesnakes.
A busyness of ferrets.
A pulchritude of peacock.
A boogle of weasels, a scurry of squirrels.
I could go on and on with these wonderful words. But you can go look for yourself at this site I found.

This all comes of my friend Bonnie Doran asking what a group of writers is called. She got some good suggestions: an anthology, a rabble, a prattle.
What do you suggest?

grandma's house

2010-07-24T13:05:00.001-06:00

My grandparent's house on my dad's side smelled like:
wet sand
hot shale
warm cotton
creosote
wood
Kool aid
and grass outside
bacon
maple syrup
pipe smoke
Pledge
Downy
and Caress inside.

My grandma's house on my mom's side smelled like:
sidewalk
train tracks
and elm trees outside
peppers
cantaloupe
chicken broth
tomatoes
apple pie
un-salted bread
and peaches inside.

Any time I smell any of these it takes me right back.

Your turn...
It doesn't have to be a grandparent's house. Just anything.

writing stuff

2010-07-13T11:52:00.001-06:00

In case you've wondered, I am still writing.

Some things have changed a bit, though.

My intention in the beginning was to not write at all as some of you may remember. But when it became obvious that I was supposed to, I decided to write beautiful moving fiction for women. I started two different novels and had ideas and bits of a couple more.

Writing was difficult and painful.

In November I did the National Novel Writing Month (NaNo) challenge and wrote 50,000 words in a month. They were words that came out of my head without much interference from my actual mind. They were, in essence, mindless. But I ended up with a pretty interesting story, or mess of several stories. And there was nothing beautiful or moving about it.

But it was FUN!

So, I decided to work on that mess and make it into a book. I took it with me to the Glen Eyrie Writers' Summit in June to see what could be done with it.

My instructor, Kathy Mackel, mentioned that perhaps I could turn it into a Middle Reader--for 10-14 year-olds. I rebelled. I don't want to write kids' books. I want to write beautiful moving fiction for women. I'm willing to write kookie funny fiction for adults. I don't want to write for kids.

Guess what I'm doing.

Yep. I'm writing a middle reader. And Guess what else.

It's FUN!

P.S. My story is about a boy named Match.

longings

2010-06-28T22:20:00.000-06:00

We all long for stuff. We all long for love and acceptance, things like that.

Some people long for wealth and luxury or a house full of children.

Many of our longings are realized along the path of life.

Many aren't.

My unrealized longing? The country. Horses.
When I drive by a pasture full of horses I feel a tight ache in my chest. An empty place opens up somewhere inside me.
Sometimes I get to ease it a little. Like today. Friends of ours own horses and invite us to visit their barn now and then. My kids ride a little. I've been unable to because of my back problem, but I can brush the horses. Bury my nose in their necks and pet their velvety noses to my hearts content.
Well, almost. My heart doesn't get quite content, but for a little while it smiles.

What about you? What is something your heart yearns for?

God Alone is Enough

2010-06-25T11:50:00.005-06:00

I'm reading God Alone is Enough - a Spirited Journey with St. Teresa of Avila by Claudia Mair Burney.
Most of you know that I grew up very not Catholic. In fact I've heard my share of anti-Catholic teaching in my time. Mrs. Burney is a Catholic. *

But at the beginning of the book she explains her Protestant upbringing and gives permission to see things differently than a Catholic might. So right away I was able to get past the whole Saint thing to look at Teresa as a believer who has gone before and who has shared from her experiences, like C.S. Lewis or Amy Carmichael.

This book is about Teresa's experiences with prayer. The core of the book is learning to pray without distractions. It's an introduction to Contemplative prayer.

Teresa is deep. To be honest, sometimes I'm not sure exactly what she's talking about. Mrs. Burney guides us and offers explanations, but it's a new concept for me. Still, I like thinking about things in new ways. I like learning about another person's walk with the Lord.

I'm part of a blog tour and was asked to blog on chapter 11. I think I'm also supposed to clarify that the book was given to me for promotional purposes. Just so you know...

Anyway, Chapter 11 is called Dwellings One, Two, and Three. In this chapter we learn about an analogy Teresa makes of the soul. She sees it as a gigantic castle in which the King dwells. In order to reach the inner room where He abides, we must pass through other dwellings. These dwellings are where we battle the enemy. Sins try to follow us, but we can't have intimacy with the King with sin hanging off us.
The lure of the world draws us and even our spiritual attachments can get in the way of seeing the King. These are the things we deal with in these first three rooms. I have to read on to chapter 12 to see what happens in the fourth dwelling.

If you are interested in learning more about Teresa of Avila, or how to deal with the distractions we face during prayer, I recommend this book. It is written in a friendly, conversational style that makes it a joy to read. I'm looking forward to seeing where the next few chapters take me!

*I need to add that my views of Catholics have changed greatly over the years. I have many friends who are Catholic and are strong believers. I think we need to be more open minded to the variety in Christ's body.

don't know what to pray

2010-06-21T19:00:00.000-06:00

Lately I find myself praying simply: "Take care of him. Take care of her."
So many people hurting in so many ways.
I imagine the Lord pulling them to his chest, giving them exactly what they need. Sometimes, I just don't know what else to pray.

friday fill-ins

2010-06-18T20:21:00.000-06:00

1. __Nothing ever begins at__ 6:58.
2. It was the reason, of course, _why I can't put my head under water____.
3. _Spend hours on my hair__ is something I no longer feel the need to do.
4. I have another errand to run, then __I'll get a cookie____.
5. __Don't blame me that you lost your mind__...just go find it
6. What were once vices _are now common social behaviors___.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _relaxing with the family____, tomorrow my plans include _getting the pee smell out of my house once and for all____ and Sunday, I want to __do something special for my husband and my daddy___!

from Friday Fill-Ins

baby books

2010-06-16T10:22:00.001-06:00

My good friend Loretta Oakes has two books being published this year. They are board books for babies. It may seem like a simple thing, but you would be surprised at the amount of time and work that goes into these books. It's incredible!
So after literally years of effort my friend gets to see the project come to fruition.
I've seen the proofs and they are beautiful books. Little flap books. One is called Peek-a-Boo Jesus and one is called Peek-a-Boo Christmas.
The point behind playing peek-a-boo is to teach permanence. Mommy is still there, even if you can't see her.
And where is Jesus when we can't see him?

If you have a baby or a grand-baby go to Amazon and look at these books. They won't be released until later this year, but you can pre-order them now.

holey jeans

2010-06-14T19:55:00.000-06:00

My husband and my daughter don't approve of my jeans.

They have holes in them. They came that way, brand new, which astounds them even further.

Why? They want to know.

Because they fit. Not only do they fit, they fit well. AND they are comfortable. That's enough right there, but the clincher was that they were only $9 at Kohl's.

My husband looked them over and said, "Well, if you had said $1 I would have agreed that they were a deal."

Some of my friends wear holey jeans, too. So they actually may make me a little bit cooler. Literally and figuratively.

The weird thing is, my daughter is a teenager. Isn't she supposed to be the one who is getting grief for her clothing choices?

LOL

2010-06-12T08:34:00.000-06:00

I seem to have the ability to make people laugh. I love that.
But I find I seldom laugh myself. I chuckle. I grin. But rarely do I bust a gut or even guffaw.
I spent five days this week with people who laugh easily and loudly. I was jealous. I used to be that way and I'm not sure what's changed. But this isn't a dig deep and philosophize post, so I'll not get into that.

There are some things that still make me literally laugh out loud:

Physical comedy. We watched an episode of the old Dick van Dyke show and I laughed several times. He's a master. Jerry Lewis. Steve Martin. Mr. Bean. Even Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow or when he's Willy Wonka and walks into his glass elevator. I laugh every time.

Puns. Okay, so mostly I groan. But if they're really good, you'll hear the dulcet tones of my laughter. And perhaps a snort or two.

I also get a kick out of things like badly written headlines. Improper or idiotic use of words can pull a giggle fit from my belly.

What about you? Are you a laugher? And what makes you laugh the most?

Ok, that picture that I found on morguefile made me laugh, too.

re-inspired

2010-06-10T14:22:00.005-06:00

I just returned from my annual experience at the Glen Eyrie Writers' Summit.

I am tired. I am achey. I am a little grumpy.

I am also re-inspired.

I am re- charged. I am re-dedicated.

I am re-born.

Ready to go. Ready to write. Ready to actually finish a book rather than starting more new ones!

And I'm ready to kick fear out the door. Being afraid of failure (and/or success) has gotten really old. I got sick of it this week.

I know these feeling and the new burst of creative energy will be short-lived and it will all fall back on my commitment. But I'm committed. See how brave I am telling the whole world that?

The photo is of the wonderful mentors, James Scott Bell, Kathryn Mackel, Angela Hunt, and Nancy Rue as they form the Universal Mind. (it was a skit, not some weird religious thing.)

moving on

2010-05-01T19:35:00.010-06:00

Almost three years ago I was blogging about moving into this house. Now we are moving out.

Tomorrow.

We've liked it here. But we need to be more central. So we're moving further into the city. There will be a lot of conveniences. But...

The house is a bit smaller. And the view will be of the townhouse across from us, or our garage.

It will be a good move. I'm looking forward to some of the changes, but...

There are some things I'll miss.

retreat

2010-04-28T08:50:00.005-06:00

The purpose of retreat in military terms is to get yourself together. Regroup. It has a bad connotation I suppose: running away.
But I think sometimes we have to run away. We have to go to a safe place and examine our resources, evaluate our strengths and weaknesses, tend to wounds, and gain sustenance.
This weekend I went with six other ladies on a WAAWG. A Weekend Almost Alone With God. A local ministry called Caleb's Heart Ministries hosts these for men and for women separately.

We drove to the Franciscan Retreat Center in Colorado Springs where we each checked into a private room. We met for some worship and encouragement.
Then we went our own ways. Alone. With God. Some wandered the beautiful grounds in spite of wind and low temps. Others stayed in their rooms. We prayed, sang, danced, knelt, lay prostrate, read Scripture, wept, wrote, made art, fasted, feasted and napped with the Lord.

I learned how to pray with my eyes, nose, feet, tears, and repose.

It was refreshing, filling, and healing. And it was much needed. God has been gently urging me to come away with Him for years. Other than basic procrastination, I'm not sure why I haven't before now. It will definitely be a routine part of my spiritual life from here on out.

God met me in secret places I didn't even know existed. Revealed wounds I didn't know I had. Showed me answers and gave me new questions. He spent time with me.

The photo was found at morguefile by the photographer taliesin.

six impossible things

2010-04-24T08:21:00.003-06:00

The other day a book caught my eye in the kids' section of the library. It is called Twelve Impossible Things Before Breakfast by Jane Yolen. It was the title that captured my attention. I am interested in impossible things.

The phrase sounded familiar, but I wasn't sure why. I brought the book home.

Then, for my birthday, a friend and I went to see the new version of Alice in Wonderland. The theme of the movie was believing the impossible. Alice had been taught to "believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

That's where that phrase came from. Jane Yolen, in writing a collection of fractured type stories, chose to double the number of impossibilities believed each morning.

This really stuck with me. Usually when I see a theme or idea repeated, I pay attention. God usually is trying to tell me something.

See, I have an entire section of my mental prayer list that is labeled "Impossible." I pray for those things now and then, but it often seems futile.

You know, the situations: physical problems, economic problems, emotional problems. Things that look too big, too constant to ever change.

And people--the people who never change. People so deeply rooted in sinful lifestyles or broken behavior patterns that you've never seen any growth in them.

I know that speaks poorly of my faith. I know that "nothing is impossible for him who believes." And that nothing is too difficult for God. But this is one of those cases of believing something with my head, but not so much with my heart.

Time to get it into my heart.

So I've decided to start believing the impossible. I try to think of at least six each morning. And as I say, "Lord, I believe that you can change_____'s heart." I also say, "Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief."

Are you believing the impossible? Maybe you always have. Or maybe you're like me and have a little section of prayer requests that are labeled "Impossible."

forty days

2010-04-16T11:33:00.002-06:00

You know, Christ was still walking around on the earth this many days after the Resurrection. In fact, He stuck around for forty days.

I've been thinking about that.

In the Bible the number forty generally has to do with times of trial or testing. Perhaps discipline.

The rains fell forty days and nights during the flood.

The Israelites wandered the desert forty years.

Moses lay prostrate before God, fasting and praying, forty days on behalf of Israel.

Goliath taunted the armies of Israel forty days.

Jesus was in the wilderness, fasting and enduring temptation, forty days.

There are a couple of times that the aspect of suffering or trial doesn't seem to fit:

Moses was with God on Sinai forty days while he received the law.

David and Solomon each ruled Israel forty years.

I'm not sure what Christ's last forty days signifies. He walked among us in His glorified body. He must have been ready to move on. Short-timers syndrome. But I can't see why He would need to sacrifice yet more. Or go through anymore trial. Maybe it was related to his Kingly reign, as David reigned. Or perhaps it coincided with the initiation of the first Covenant when Moses spent forty days with God.

I don't know. And I have no application. It's just something I've been contemplating. If you have any insight, I would love to hear it.

Solemn Saturday

2010-04-03T08:54:00.004-06:00

We've commemorated much this week. But this day, the one with no name that I know of, is the day that resonates with me the most.

When you're in the midst of high emotion you are too busy feeling to think. This had been that kind of week for the disciples.

Sunday was elation with a tinge of victory as Christ entered the city to accolades. Thursday started with the joy that accompanies a holiday, but ended in fear, anger, and grief.

Yesterday... Friday it all fell apart. Finally and irrevocably, or so they thought.

But today marks the day all the adrenaline was gone. No emotions to carry them through. It's that stunned afterwards. The in-between.

We all hate waiting. We hate not knowing. I'm sure the disciples were asking themselves, "What now?" Where could they go. What should they do?

They must have still been frightened. They must have been in denial, looking to one another for confirmation that it hadn't all been a horrible nightmare.

I can picture the scene so clearly. The glazed expressions on their pale faces.

We've all been there. Sometimes it's the death of a loved one. A bad diagnosis. A phone call from the police or the hospital. The discovery of betrayal or a broken relationship.

We sit. We think. We wait. And we don't even know what we're waiting for... a miracle? Waiting for it to all go away? For life to go back to normal?

A miracle is coming. It may not look like we expect. It may bring as much confusion as it does answers. We may not even recognize it. But God is a God who redeems. It's what he does. He brings new life. He makes old things new. He restores.

This is a day where hopelessness reigned, but it wasn't the end. It's never the end. Just wait to see what tomorrow brings!

I've posted in the past about Good Friday.

I've posted twice before about this day, Saturday--here and here. The photo is the same, don't let that confuse you.

random 12

2010-03-15T19:49:00.002-06:00

I've been very remiss in posting. Sorry about that. Here's something I got from Aneta at The Progressive Lens.

1. How old is the oldest pair of shoes in your closet?

I wouldn't know. Several years at least. I don't think I've bought new shoes for almost a year. I always buy cheap shoes, but I'm starting to suffer for that. I'll soon have to start dishing out the dough for them. It's hard to find shoes in extra long and narrow.

2. Did you buy Girl Scout cookies this year? If so, what variety?

No, I didn't. I would probably get the Thin Mints or the caramel ones.

3. . Do you know how to ballroom dance? If not, would you like to?

I would love to! Although I'll have to get my back in better condition first.

4.Were you a responsible child/teenager?

Mostly. I was always very concerned about doing right.

5. How many of this year's Oscar-nominated movies did you see?

Well, I had to look them up because I didn't watch the Oscars. I only saw Up. There are a couple of others that I plan to see, though.

6. If you're going to have a medical procedure done, such as having blood drawn, is it easier for you to watch someone else having the procedure done or have it done yourself?

Getting blood drawn is no big deal either way. But if it's something worse I'd definitely rather watch it than have it done. Unless it's one of my kids.

7. What is your favorite day of the week and why?

Sunday usually is because I normally love going to church so much. But since we've still not found a church we love, it's not the same. But Sunday is still a pretty good day.

8. Do you miss anyone right now?

I miss some friends I don't see often. I miss my cousin who died. I miss my sister who moved out of state.

9. Do hospitals make you queasy?

Well, if I'm there in some kind of pain or a family member is, I feel queasy, but it's the situation that bothers me, not the place. I am an RN and used to work in hospitals, so they don't bother me at all.

10. At which store would you like to max-out your credit card. Not that you ever would, you responsible person, you.

I don't know. I don't shop a lot. To pick just one store would be hard. Someplace where I could get clothes and stuff for the house.

11. Are you true to the brand names of products/items?

Some. But only because I've tried other brands and not liked them. For the most part I shop the lowest price.

12. Which is more difficult: looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when he/she is telling you how he/she feels?

It is much more difficult when I am doing the talking, I think. More vulnerability.

a heart that knows you

2010-02-26T14:34:00.002-07:00

Something just for fun. I got this at Aneta's Blog.

RULES:
1. Put your MP3 player, iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Tag at least 10 friends
5. Have Fun!
IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
"Wandering Pilgrim" Twila Paris (maybe)
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF
"Rock of Ages" David Crowder (um, probably not, unless the rock is made of silly putty)
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"It's Not Unusual" Tom Jones (Well, actually, I kinda like unusual)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"This and That" Tom Jones (That's exactly right!)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Ain't No Sunshine " Tom Jones (That's just a lousy life's purpose, though I think I know some people who live for that)
WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
"Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)" Chris Tomlin (AMEN!)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Lamb of God" Twila Paris (And they'd be right. I'm his precious little lamb)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Every Road Leads Back to You" Bette Midler
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"P.S. I Love You" Bette Midler ( yes, I guess I do)
WHAT IS 2 + 2?
"What's New Pussy Cat" Tom Jones (Must be new math)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"I Remember You" Bette Midler (You bet!)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"My Jesus I Love Thee/Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus" Bart Millard (Yes!)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Fairest Lord Jesus" Natalie Grant (Well, I don't want to be him, but I sure want to be like him!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"I Need Thee Every Hour" Jars of Clay (Well, I am a bit co-dependent)
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Oh Lord You're Beautiful" Keith Green (Well, since my next wedding will be the Wedding Feast of the Lamb, I guess this would work)
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Green, Green Grass of Home" Tom Jones (Hopefully I won't die in prison, though)
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Holy, Holy, Holy" Steven Curtis Chapman (An interest, yes. Hobby?)
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
"Sweet Victory" Twila Paris (I wonder...)
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"In My Life" Bette Midler (Well, I guess it's staying a secret)
WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
"You Bring me Down" Leona Lewis--chipmunked by my daughter (yeah, that's what I want. Riiiiggghhht)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"She's a Lady" Tom Jones (Yes, they are, well, except for that one...)
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"A Heart that Knows You" Twila Paris

This thing didn't shuffle very well. We didn't get a single John Denver or Louis Armstrong!

If you read all the way through, and nodded or chuckled at least once, you’re tagged!

getting married

2010-02-22T14:08:00.004-07:00

I read an interesting article this morning about a man who is having to defend his decision to get married at age 22. Apparently people think that's too young.

That used to be the average age for marriages.

Back when the divorce rate was lower.

I fully intended to be married by the time I was 25. I didn't get married until I was 27, though. Obviously, one can't just jump into it if the right person hasn't come around. And getting married for the sake of getting married isn't a good idea.

But, I'm personally not real fond of this trend to put it off longer and longer by choice.

I think that waiting adds to the difficulties of adjusting to life with a spouse. You've had more time to form your own habits, opinions, and independence.

You should read the article.

And tell me how old you were when you got married. What are the pros and cons that you see in your decision? And was it your decision? If you were older, was it because you deliberately waited or because it just didn't come together before then?

an imposition

2010-02-21T15:32:00.005-07:00

I'm still thinking about Ash Wednesday.

Specifically I'm thinking about the fact that putting the ashes on the foreheads is correctly termed "Imposition of the ashes."

Why not "Applying of the ashes?" Or "Distributing of the ashes?" "Dusting of the ashes?" "Putting on of the ashes?"

An imposition is generally a negative thing. We don't like to impose on people. The government imposes taxes on us. Someone asking us to give them a ride in our already full car can be an imposition.

So why is this act of applying ashes an imposition?

Because it is a reminder of our sinful nature? Because it is a reminder of our mortality?

Isn't death the greatest imposition of all?

I think it's an interesting choice of words. If anyone knows why this terminology is used, I would love to know, too. If you have any thoughts about what that word means to you, I would love to hear that, too.

i know you! i think.

2010-02-19T12:15:00.004-07:00

I love blogs, Facebook, e-mail lists, this whole world of internet relationships.

There are drawbacks, of course. Athol Dickson and Robbie Iobst both blogged about how easy it is to either be offended or to offend when using this type of communication.

But I love the relationships that form. There are people that I truly consider among my best friends even though I've never met them. People I've communicated with for more than a decade. We've shared the best and worst of ourselves and our lives. In some ways that's easier to do in this communication medium.

But I think we can also feel a false sense of familiarity. Many people are using that to replace true intimacy in their lives. If you spend time socializing online, but never having a chat over coffee with someone you can physically touch, then you need to consider trying to build that type of relationship into your life.

The intimacy can be real, but often it's not. I read about your life and begin to feel that I really know you. Yet, I once met someone who's blog I had participated in and talked to her as if we were long lost friends. She looked like she wanted to call 911. I don't really know her. She recognized my name, but she didn't really know me. For all she knew I was a crazed stalker. And I could have been.

It got me thinking, though. I took it as a warning to keep these things in perspective the next time I meet someone I "know" in this way. And if I meet one of my blog readers who seems overly familiar, I need to remember that I've put a lot of myself out here for the world to read.

When have you become someone's friend? When you've exchanged x number of personal e-mails? When you've commented x number of times on their blog? When you get friended on Facebook? Maybe we should coin a new term--"e-friends."

This affects all of us in cyber space. What do you think about it?

ash wednesday

2010-02-17T12:13:00.005-07:00

Today some friends went with me to Ash Wednesday service at the International Anglican Church where we attended when we lived in Colorado Springs.

It was a blessing to hear the sermon given by the Bishop from Rwanda. It was humbling to have that Rwandan man place the ashes on my forehead. A man who has seen so much. A man who ministers to people who have survived genocide, ministered to me.

This is what I got out of the sermon today:

Seek God rather than seek to please God.

True fasting is giving of myself to others.

I am an ambassador of the Kingdom of God and I need to be readily available when the King calls me for service.

It's all about focus.

Lent is a new thing for me. This is the third year I've observed it. It has been a time of renewed focus for me each year as I spend time thinking about who I am and who I would be apart from God.

From dust you came, to dust you shall return. Meanwhile...

I'm from

2010-02-13T16:54:00.008-07:00

There is a contest at Chrysalis blog for this poem and it ends tonight. She has the template and all you do is fill in your own memories. I actually wrote this a year or so ago but I want to take part in the contest, so I'm posting it again.

(By the way, this is my second post for today. Two in one day! So don't miss the other one.)

Where I'm From

I am from cigarette scented pickups. From black and white TV and

Pyrex bowls – yellow for the popcorn and red for the Jell-o.

I am from the squeaky, the dusty, and paneled.

From three bedrooms, green carpet, and doors that open

by themselves.

From room to roam and dirt and trees.

I am from swinging in a tire,

playing Wonder Woman

and Barbies.

Reading in the sun, drawing and

listening to John Denver.

Cowboys and Indians and

hide-and-seek in the dark.

From piano lessons,

libraries,

and Christian school.

I am from cherry trees, grapes vines and rhubarb.

From pony hair, cat hair and chicken feed.

Gardens and worms and wild asparagas.

I am from reunions, Rosehips, and

big feet.

From Vera and Leo, Delmas and Beryl. Two girls and four girls and one boy.

The end of the line.

I am from the teasing and the stoic. I am from praying and bickering

and loving.

From I’ll give you something to cry about and

if your friends wanted to jump off a cliff…

I am from Jesus saves and lots of rules.

From Sunday morning,

Sunday night,

Wednesday night.

From loving the least of these and everlasting life.

I’m from Pueblo and the Arkansas Valley,

from the dust bowl and a soddy.

From ranches, farms, and railroads.

From Macaroni and cheese and Chicken and dumplings,

bread without salt and canned apples.

Frozen Kool-aid, Banquet chicken and Cheerios.

From the illegitimate son of a sailor, The War of 1812,

and an orphan raised by natives.

A bronc - bustin', homesteading grandma.

A migrant worker grandpa. A WWI vet who just missed hitting the frontlines

and survived the epidemic.

I am from heart attacks, brain cancer, and aneurisms.

From strokes and ninety-five years.

I am from old scrapbooks, grandma’s stored-away boxes,

from funeral receipts, birth bills and marriage licenses stuffed

in a bag.

And

memories that need to be mined before it’s too late.

invalid

2010-02-13T10:09:00.004-07:00

Did you ever notice that invalid--"one who is sickly or disabled" and invalid--"not valid" are the same word.

I've become aware of it since having this back problem. I am far from being bedfast, but I am very limited in my activities and abilities. And you know, I'm really struggling with feelings of worthlessness.

I've blogged before on worth and where we get it. Everything from how big our house is to how big of a burger we can eat can be the standard we use to measure our value.

Job, position, wealth, the kind of car we drive, abilities, accolades, how clean our house is, education, letters behind our name... the list goes on, doesn't it?

Now, because I can't load the dishwasher without hurting myself I find I'm feeling invalid. We'll be moving in a couple of months and I can do nothing to help. It's frustrating and I feel the guilt and shame piling up.

It's all lies from the devil of course. God doesn't measure my value by any of these things. And even though I feel guilty because my family is having to take up the slack, I know they don't measure my value by these things either.

Lessons I am learning now can be remembered when I encounter others in a similar situation. Feeling like a contributor is important, but even more important is coming to understand the real source of our value. I'm working on that.

What about you? Have you experienced a time when you felt worthless? Want to share your story?